What could’ve been...

My birthmother went to the hospital with a man...they think was my father. They were unmarried. They said they “couldn’t take care of this child in all regards.” I’m left to guess they didn’t have money. Or maybe it wasn’t socially acceptable...or they weren’t in love. I’ll never know the words that I needed that day to arm myself with...the words that could’ve saved my life. If only I had a voice. If only I wasn’t blind to how the world worked, deaf and mute from being too young to understand, and dumb from being just born, I would have told them I didn’t need money! I didn’t even like money! I hate money! I would’ve told them I would’ve slept on the couch! On the ground! I prefer being under the stars anyways! I would have told them I would eat the same thing every single day! I would’ve eaten out of cans! Or their leftovers! I would’ve begged like I’ve never begged for anything in this life! I would’ve traded it all! I would’ve told them not to care what other people think! They’re all crazy anyways! I would’ve loved them no matter what! No matter what! If only they had chose me! Loved me! And if they didn’t know how, I would’ve shown them. I would’ve done anything. I would’ve grown older and made all the money back they ever spent on me and given it all to them. Out of the few people I’ve let into my heart, they’re still the only ones I would’ve ever said these words to, “Please don’t leave me!” and they’re the reason why I say to everyone else “You can’t keep me!” I would’ve said, “Choose me! Not money! Choose love! Not the objects!” If only I could’ve grown up faster. If only I could’ve had a discussion with them. If only they knew where they were sending me to. If only they knew I would be running for the rest of my life. If only they knew I would be in hiding for the rest of my life. If only they knew they were destroying my ability to love and be loved. If only I wasn’t adopted and sent to America. Maybe then I would’ve wanted a family. Maybe then I would’ve wanted a home. Maybe then I would’ve wanted all the things that could’ve been.

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