There’s still confusion in getting close and letting people in. I know cognitively what I need to do, but that doesn’t change the uncomfortable feelings it evokes with trusting humans. Sometimes the thought of losing someone is so painful...just the thought...makes my chest feel like it’s being ripped apart and crushed. Just the thought. I feel the pain of being a baby screaming for her mother that never came back to get her. That pain is still imprinted in my brain and travels in my blood and through my heart. I feel it. Like magma it lives deep under the surface waiting for a moment of weakness to erupt. And when it does, the pain is nauseating enough for me to run the opposite direction without a second thought, or leave and come back feeling neurotically guilty for even considering abandoning someone so selfishly just so I could avoid the possible pain of losing someone while simultaneously inflicting that kind of suffering onto someone I care about. The whole spinning feeling of it all is enough to stay away from everyone and just admire them from afar.
But it was in the spinning that I found a few values to grab onto in order to have something to keep me from dizzying myself to death. A strict code to live by didn’t develop because I think of myself as having strong moral judgement or because I see myself as a good person. No. It was developed out of pure desperation and after years of trial and error of being a fuck up, that these simple core values evolved and provided the only reliable way to avoid spiraling into the darkness. It was by finding these values that I found other people with the same values - and it’s people that share these same values radically that feel the absolute safest - the purest of heart - that don’t add to the spinning and confusion but instead create a focus point to steady myself. And in order to attract it, I had to become it. To survive. The stronger one is with their integrity, humility, and courage, the easier it is to see their truth...and the safer they are to trust.
The road to trust is longer than the road to love. And that’s how I’ve fallen in love with being on the road.
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