The Final Fire of 2020
Holy shit. Everything I attempted to write here just came off completely controlled and surfacey. So I’m just going to go complete stream of consciousness here. 2020 fucking sucked but also it dug up some toxicity that was hiding in my own fucking house. I will never be able to unsee this shit again. My life feels completely in shambles right now and hopefully the worst is over. I wake up screaming from the trauma that has surfaced and I don’t have anybody that could ever understand the layers and layers and layers of psychological turmoil I’ve endured since I don’t even know when it started...maybe the day I was born. I’m still trying to wrap my head around it myself because it’s all I’ve ever known. I don’t know what to believe right now. I feel like everything that has ever presented itself as love has been a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I’ve seen seemingly good people do horrendous things. And I’m not even talking about boarding school right now.
I am trying to trust people again. All the while living in a constant state of anxiety because I worry most of all if this toxicity has turned me into a toxic person, too. All I want to be is a good human being. Not rich. Not happy. Not in love. Just a good person. A person with integrity. A person that doesn’t harm somebody else either intentionally or unintentionally. An unselfish person. Someone true.
I am trying to gather up the bits of lessons the wilderness, the road, and my art has taught me. But I don’t know anything anymore. I’ve been a puppet on a string dying for freedom but only now do I know the full extent of the reason why I am radically dedicated to living a wild and free life...and even that I wonder if I’ve been manipulated into this lifestyle. 2020 taught me how to find and expose the gaslighters, take their fire from them, and burn their toxic bullshit down. And as much as this year fucking blew, I am so grateful and hopeful for the fertile ground that it has left behind in all of its destruction. So, let this be the final fire of 2020. Because maybe and finally, 2021 will be the year to overcome and the chance to begin to rebuild anew.