Survival of the Mind

My mind is still a trigger ready to be pulled, and trust is elusive and skittish...a harrowing combination. I need a lot of space. I need the openness to come and go. The moment I feel like I’m being lured in...I feel my upper back tense, my jaw clench, and my mind is guarded behind thick steel walls. I must keep their pain out...I must keep their tortured wisdom out...I must stay away from their coping methods that are most definitely not my own. I feel doom is on its way. So I run before I freeze. I fight for freedom with keeping my distance from society and everybody who has been harmed by it. They want me to be like them. They think I will live longer, be happier, be safer...with them. But that keeps their finger on my mind - always ready to be pulled. That keeps me trapped and clawing for a way out. I trust my distrust. I feel safe with what and how I’ve learned to survive. It’s worked for me. It’s the only way I feel safe. It’s the only way to keep out of the steel cage. Keep myself from becoming a machine. Out here, I feel safe. I feel peace. I feel free. I feel human. They want me under a roof. They want me tied to a bank. They want me in one place. They want me buried in stuff. They want me to be somebody else. They don’t even like me aging. They want me married to a man. They want me to turn against myself. They want me to live my life by killing myself saving up. They want me to take all the mistakes I’ve made and take them out on my children. They want to convince me that I’m wrong, and they’re right. But the more they try to convince me, the farther out I go.

 

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