As I mentioned in the previous post, my metalsmithing teacher talked about how to tap into the right side of the brain by scribbling and looking for appealing shapes. Though that didn't directly give me a shape I liked in order to make a pendant, it did get the wheels moving. So here I am...attempting to write...stream of consciousness...to try to push myself out of my seasonal creative hibernation mode...kind of like mental scribbling.
Today I had a couple supportive conversations with friends, ate healthy food, and even went on a walk/run for thirty minutes. I cleaned up my workspace a little bit, but still didn't find the motivation to make anything. I don't really want to talk about depression here because talking about it is all too depressing. However, when I was discussing it with my friend today, we managed to make some jokes about it which was a nice blend of releasing the pain of it while not marinating in it and making it worse.
It's nice to be able to talk to someone about it and not get bombarded with advice and half baked wisdom for once. The ability to just be heard and understood is the most helpful thing one can offer. And then to be able to laugh about the misery is fucking bliss. If only they could bottle that up and put it on the market. That's probably the only kind of pill I'd sign up for. Anyways, it was extremely helpful. After we ended our chat, that's when I put on my running shoes, threw on some power music, walked out the door, and started running.
I kind of hope nobody reads this. I probably wouldn't be writing this way if I was intending others to read it. I'd probably edit my words more. Not to make them sound pretty or anything, but with the worry that a future job opportunity might use it against me in some sort of way. Ironic that I'm putting it up on the internet. I suppose I feel that even my struggles are a valuable part of my personal creative process, and it's kind of nice to send it out into the ether in some sort of way. Maybe there's this primal belief that by sending it out, the universe will receive it and send some sort of answer back.
I was thinking about religion. I am not religious, but I had a discussion with a new friend last night that I suppose planted the seed in my head. Not a seed that will sprout into me becoming religious, but the sort of seed that kind of just randomly shows up in a dream that your subconscious, for whatever reason, held onto and regurgitated while you were sleeping. Anyways, I was just thinking how there was a greater need for it back before all this science came out. Humans don't like the unknown very much. But with science, a lot of the unknown becomes concrete. If humans had the answer to everything, would religion ever exist? What if a human didn't need the answer to everything, would they follow a religion anyways?
That reminds me of this lady who approached me in England trying to spread her faith. She wasn't very annoying like I find most religious recruiters - no...she was too sweet and gentle in her pitch to be annoying. So, I answered her silly questions that she thought would make me curious about God. She asked things like, "Don't you wonder where you will go after you die?" I mean, I listened and put some thought into it, but I gave her my honest answer back, "Not really, because I'm going to end up where ever it is I'll end up anyways...so, no point wondering about it." She laughed, and she didn't argue with me. But I suppose if I was born centuries ago, relied on the weather for my crops and survival, without any idea how weather worked, and had no idea why people got sick and died without any hospital around to cure me, I'd probably be pretty fucking desperate for some sort of mental appeasement, and therefore, a religion would be pretty fucking nice, I'm sure.
Funny where the stream of consciousness will take you. How's that for mental scribbling? I don't think anything directly will come out of it...no religious bracelets, that's for sure...but it's nice to have written proof that there is activity going on in my brain, finally, after about 2 to 3 weeks of stagnation mixed with anxiety and tangled up neural pathways...enough activity to put some sentences together at least. I feel my curiosity for things coming back. Today I even googled what a bear's brain looks like in hibernation mode. I think there might be something to all that. Maybe I have a bear brain. Thinking that I have a bear brain relieves the pressure a little bit and takes the shame away...it almost puts an awesome spin on things. Hmm...maybe I'll make a bear inspired bracelet next...an abstract interpretation of a bear.
Alright. That's enough brain scribble for now.