Off to Neverland
After all that, I finally made it to Neverland.
A clip from my journal. A peek into depression and the beginning of a wild dream.
I feel useless. My body has been in pain for the past few days for no reason. My fingers are messed up from making these bracelets in bed all day. At least I am doing something…
I am depressed. I think about being dead. But at the same time my mind is piling up with lists of dreams to accomplish. I just can’t tell what’s reality and what’s insanity. I feel insane.
I don’t think I will live to be 50 with these ups and downs. I am so irritable at my parents. I feel undeserving around people I care about and I really just want to leave them to whatever they are doing. I am fascinated by people but at the same time disappointed. Maybe I'm just disappointed in myself. I do not feel like I fit in with society…and frankly, I don’t really want to. I might be crazy but I think they’re ridiculous. I don’t belong here. I don’t know how to get out of this world of work to live to marry to make babies to live for your husband and your children and to buy clothes for everyone else to not pay attention to that much anyways...to drive a fancy car to keep your windows shut to the begging hungry person outside to hanging out with more people who do the same thing to shoveling out more and more and more money to more and more weight to keep you in the same spot drowning with the same people with the monotonous job and bills and children and in laws and parents and friends who keep hating their jobs and breaking up with their boyfriends and won’t shut up about it.
With an attitude like this I obviously don’t have it all figured out and I know there are a lot of people out there who do love their jobs and love that they have a husband and babies to come home to but this is where my brain is at right now.
If I were to die right now, what would I wish I had done with my life?
My dream life. I would have a magic floating house… the house would be all windows and flowers and strings of lights. I would have a floating vessel of some sort. I’d never land. I’d always be on the move. I’d sail around with my window house and talk to everyone once. It wouldn’t have to be a long life and I wouldn't have much to show for it, but I'll have seen so much that I'll have the soul of a wise old woman...and that’d be good enough for me.