Joshua Tree

My last night in Slab, I woke up around 2a and had this panic to leave. All of a sudden I felt like I was in a bubble, and I wanted out. I waited for morning, did my morning routine, and made a dash for it. As soon as I made it out of the town of Niland, I felt the rush that comes from escaping. I want to be lawless, societyless, liberated, humble, simple, and out of the system. But Slab is a system of its own, too. I think I’d rather learn how to to be one with the dirt and sky than with clutter and angst.

My destination was anywhere simple. So I ended up in Joshua Tree National Park and headed to my favorite trail for an overnight.

A few thoughts from the desert:

Night:

I feel like an orphan floating anchorlessly amongst the stars. Untethered. Out in space. An endless darkness sprinkled with twinkling lights all over the place to float from one to the next. A universe of darkness mixed with infinite stars to choose from.

Morning:

I lay here staring at a blank sky...and thoughts of having to say goodbye to my social worker pass through.
It’s going to be so hard to say goodbye. My gratitude for her is overwhelming. Validation. I finally got it. I was released from the chains, bars, and puppet strings. How long would I have been fighting to get out had she not come along? How long would I have been lost? Hidden from myself and accessing my own mind and voice? The ability to communicate to others and myself? My needs and wants?

I laid in my tent and felt supported by the earth...attached...cared for. I felt like I was curled on top of the lap of my mother and she let me cry as the birds chirped and the wind lightly brushed my face and tears.

This will be a heavy goodbye.

Day:

Still healing while also trying out a new brain. It feels amazing. I feel more secure than I’ve ever felt in my life. Stable. Like I have my senses back. Like I’m out of the house of mirrors. Everything makes sense. Everything is connected and working. And real. No illusions or extra voices interrupting my thoughts. I hear my own voice in my head and know where it stands. I know when it’s someone else trying to take over.  And I won’t have it.

More photos/videos: Joshua Tree

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