Melting in the Fire
I have not been feeling well lately. My brain feels like it wants to eat itself. I would really like to know what is going on in there when it hits. Not having visible proof that it is a chemical imbalance or malfunction of the neural pathways is the most crazy-making part of it all - not having proof leaves room for self blame and all kinds of doubts - which has indeed been overflowing my thoughts. I'm convinced my brain wants me dead.
In contrast, when I am feeling my best, it's like this part of my existence never truly existed. Everything is lit up on the other side without even the faintest shadow. Even the darkness shines bright with inspiration and purpose. I wish I was there right now. Maybe writing about it will trigger it.
For now, the one thing that gets me out of bed is my metals class. Even though my creativity feels dull and my memory and cognitive ability feels fuzzy, there is some relief in building with my hands for no other reason than to learn. Last class we worked on reticulation - melting the top layers of metal to make texture. I wasn't focusing too much on design or making something I cared to wear. I focused more on playing with the flame and watching the metal turn into little dancing puddles. How I wish I could do that to my brain.