Forgiveness

As an adoptee and as irritating as it is for me to compare dog adoption to human adoption, I will admit, there is a lot of common ground if your heart goes into it the same.  Whether I am projecting in a way that is unhealthy for Malcolm to endure or possibly beneficial, he is showing me a perspective that I needed to see.  Adoption is complicated.  It’s a mess that nobody wishes was ever made or needed to be cleaned up, but life is messy and messes happen.  Nobody goes into adoption with all the perfect tools and being able to foresee all the obstacles that are ahead - whether it be human or dog.  But does anybody ever know fully what they’re getting into when they want to take care of something - when they want to love something or someone?  Is anybody fully prepared to be a parent or someone’s life partner from day one?  Doesn’t everybody go in with hope that things are going to be good?  I didn’t show up at the shelter completely naive nor completely empty handed.  I honestly thought I was a good candidate to take on Malcolm.  I had all the time to work with him, I have experience with German Shepherds, I am disciplined, educated and experienced in ways I believed would benefit the dog, and am lucky and privileged to have financial stability to try all kinds of solutions for him.  But most importantly, my heart was in it.  But now, looking back after getting him, no!  I wasn’t perfect for him.  Malcolm probably needed two people at least - a couple with family to fall back on for support and a farm and someone who was more social…and the list goes on.

But nobody can know these things before hand - all we can do is do our best with what we’ve got and keep trying to do better.  People say you don’t get the dog you want, you get the dog you need…and I needed this.  Whether Malcolm needed me or not, he sure has shown me a perspective that has opened my heart to forgiveness and a bigger love that is bigger than I’ve ever felt.  And when push came to shove, I called my adoptive parents.  After everything we’ve gone through these last couple years, I get it now…at least some of it.  Nobody is perfect.  Not in the adoption triad.  Not in anything.  But we are all trying to do our very best with what we’ve got.  Life is hard.  At times I regretted adopting Malcolm.  At times I wanted to say, “fuck you!” to him…and maybe I did.  At times I thought about sending him away…I didn’t do that…but honestly, at this point, when his life is at risk, I get why my parents sent me away.  No I didn’t deserve an abusive boarding school, but we do things when we are exhausted, scared, and at the end of our rope.  I’m not saying all adoptees should forgive their adoptive parents.  But, for me, it’s giving me the ability to also forgive myself, forgive others, and the freedom to also not be perfect.