Unplugged
My mind is quiet lately, other than a few bursts of pure joy and silliness as I romp around the red dirt of Moab unplugged and free...free from everyone including myself. I feel fulfilled knowing I have a small group of friends in my corner that understand me and I them, and that has made learning how to trust easy and manageable. And right now, that’s enough.
Though social media has certainly been a crutch to receive support and validation through this unpacking of my unresolved childhood trauma, I feel ready to put the crutches away. I’ve learned a lot about myself and have practiced using my voice and being unapologetically myself, but ultimately I find social media to be just a crutch. And in order to fully stand on my own, I feel my growth would be stunted if I kept using it the way that I’ve been. Ultimately I feel it messing with my serotonin, dopamine, and ego, and I’d rather nature be in control of all that...not humans with an algorithm and an agenda.
There is a difference between self awareness and self focus...and I find social media is constantly tempting me to cross the line and I have and do when I don’t really want to...and when I do fall into the ego trap of social media, it’s torture and feels excruciatingly anxiety ridden. I am not immune to Instagram’s manipulation tactics just by being aware of it, and as I’ve taken time away from it, I feel my mind coming back to me. I feel quiet and unimportant. And frankly, I like feeling unimportant...there’s less responsibility and less chance of accidentally hurting someone due to my chaotic and wild mind. I feel more free to take risks and be myself when I feel nobody is paying attention to me...and realistically, nobody really is paying attention to me, they’re all focused on themselves and their own lives - as they should be.
Though in the fleeting moment that someone does pay attention to my thoughts, it is rather nice to be validated and know I’m not alone in some of my thoughts and pain, and that there are others who think similar to me, but the encouragement of my thoughts amps something up in my head and I don’t like it...it doesn’t feel natural. It fuels my ego and I don’t like that at all. And I’m not important - not to 99% of the people on social media, nor should I be to people who don’t fully know me, that sort of power over people who don’t know me can be harmful and toxic. I’d rather just think my thoughts and get them out and not be provoked and have my ego blown up or let down with the fluctuating number of hearts, comments, and followers.
There is a slight issue though, that my business heavily relies on Instagram...though I hate adding to the marketing and dehumanizing side of Instagram, I still need to post my bracelets on there in order to eat. Which then puts my integrity in question because I don’t want to be on there unless I present myself as fully human and real, and I definitely don’t want to become someone just trying to make a buck by painting this dream life while making depressed people feel even more depressed. I don’t have a dream life. I have a life just like any other - full of ups and downs - positives and negatives - pros and cons. I am only flesh, bone, and a full range of emotions that get too easily reduced to bullshit positivity inside a tiny square on Instagram. I don’t know how to proceed. I’ll figure it out later. But going to stay unplugged as much as possible for now. Maybe what I post doesn’t even matter at all! See? There’s that ego thing happening again. Fuck social media.
New batch coming soon.
More photos: Moab
