The Escape

I developed eyes in the back of my head that day as soon as my parents dropped me off. That was the day I would never be able to trust my parents again. That was the day I lost trust in humans. Boarding school was a melting pot of hundreds of traumatized children stirred together by unlicensed and brainwashed adults that used gaslighting, sexual humiliation, and cult-mentality tactics to perform “therapy.” We were told we had to break in order to be built back up. We were shamed, used against one another, and screamed at by incompetent graduates of the program that made up the staff. We had no privacy, nobody to confide in, no emotional safety, and even the closest friends we made could turn against us and become brainwashed in the Lifesteps - the intense and top secret interventions where the breaking and stirring of all our traumas took place. It was psychological torture. Some teenagers came out of the Lifesteps sucking their thumbs.

Even our journals and most private thoughts could turn on us and be used against us if they were found. When mine was found and confiscated for suicidal ideation, plans on running away, and self pep talks to not give in to the brainwashing, I was put on a self study - pushing gravel in wheel barrels up the hills, mowing the school lawns, phone privileges to call home were taken away, social isolation, and whatever else they had us do that I’ve blocked from my mind. The worst of the mental warfare was that all the abuse was mixed in with some of the deepest connections I’ve ever felt for the first time. But ultimately, I stayed focused on getting the hell out of there. I remember one of the most obnoxious boys at the school taunting me, telling me I’d never leave, not even when I turned 18. The next day was the day I ran away.

That day is still one of the best and most important days of my life…though short lived…after being caught and sent to the wilderness…I proved to myself that my instincts were right and I wasn’t afraid to act on them…even when every single authority figure and peer was against me.  But I didn’t get validation until years later after word got out that Mount Bachelor Academy got shut down for child abuse.  The day I found that out and read the Time Magazine article, validating the horror that went on in that insane asylum was the day I began to trust myself on a whole new level.  I may have lost the ability to trust humans in groups, in relationships, in society, but I gained trust in myself…and lost the need for approval of others in exchange for a relentless drive to fight for the truth.

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