A Day Away from the Hermit Shell

Today I went out into the world, and I don’t mean into the woods hiding away from everyone.  I’ve been avoiding people ever since the upheaval of processing through my past - after seeing and understanding the trauma of it all, I started seeing the patterns of trauma everywhere on everyone - whether it was real or not, it felt real - everyone seemed dangerous.  But being back at Alki Beach makes me miss the free spirit I used to be and miss the world I once knew and loved - trusting everyone and feeling like travel would be meaningless without the people I met along the way.  Travel was less about looking at myself for answers but understanding everyone else and the world around me.  I miss that sort of freedom.  Freedom from what I know now.

I almost didn’t leave bed today.  It was the first time I slept past 7 a.m. since getting Malcolm - 7 was his breakfast time.  I slept till 9 and could’ve stayed sleeping if it wasn’t for the sun turning the van into an oven.  Thankful for nature’s brutal style of discipline that somehow heals the psyche instead of traumatizing it.  I got up.  I walked thirty minutes to the water taxi, had a bagel breakfast and a coffee, then took the taxi across the bay to downtown.  I walked up about 10 steep hills to get to the bookstore.  Left with a stack of books to lug around town but am excited to dig into them all now that I’m not on my phone hardly.  Made a stop in the Art Museum, and then quickly weaved through the crowd of Pike Place, and finally stopped for lunch and a beer nearby.  I sat at the end of a counter next to two women from North Carolina who were visiting for a wedding. They were chatty and friendly.  They’re both 5th grade teachers, and we talked about the challenges kids face that we didn’t have at our age.  How I missed talking to strangers!  I smiled at people going by, exchanged quick comments in passing with a few, and didn’t try to disappear as much as I have been these last couple years.  I felt better.  Better about people, better about myself, just better about life.  

Around 4, I got back to the van.  Felt good being on my feet all day, and the next few hours of sitting in my chair and reading felt well earned.  The rest of the evening I sat with the door open to the breeze from the bay and the chatter of people passing by discussing life, dates, work, feelings, thoughts, everything.