Keep Going

The healing feels like whiplash between clarity and freeze, fight, and flight mode.  Coming out of the house of mirrors is like walking into a world with brand new eyes, a new voice, and mind.  Yet, the world is not the same at all as I knew it before through this new lense.  It’s almost impossible to trust anything and everything touched by society.  Right now it truly feels like I’ve stepped into the zombie apocalypse, and I can’t tell if I’m just seeing my childhood traumas projected onto the world or if the world is responsible for the traumas in my childhood.  Everything seems so parallel it’s insane.  And it’s hard to unsee it once it’s been seen. 

The most challenging part is the healing mind.  It’s hungry to unsee it all.  It’s starving to want to love and be loved.  But it’s still not safe to let down the walls.  To unclench my fists.  To seek a community.  Part of me yearns to reach out to the people I push away but the part of me that is pushing me to safety, the part that I’ve trusted blindly my whole life, the voice inside me that told me to rebel against my parents in high school, run out those doors to escape Mount Bachelor Academy, and not give a fuck when the world sees me as a dirtbag for not playing their fucking game, is screaming at me, Don’t turn back!  Don’t you turn back!  Keep fucking going.