Freedom in Safety

I’ve slowly been opening up to people again - hiding less behind a book and even striking up conversations with some random people.  Today I met another van dweller named Eric and asked about his experience with his van fridge that I keep noticing in his doorway every time I walk by.  He has the same model that I had, but his has lasted four years without any issues.  He lives in the Seattle area but likes to come to Alki Beach to hang out.  He likes to fish and his main passion is his motorcycle.  I‘ve passed by him a few times these past few days and he’s always sitting in his black Sprinter van watching TV.  After chatting with him, I was feeling like my old traveler self again.  I felt like it was the years before 2020 hit.  Safe.

Then, later in the evening, as I was perched on my doorstep watching the Friday beach crowd - couples playing volleyball against one another, families riding scooters and bicycles, dogs prancing along next to their owners who sort of looked like them, a couple came toward me and struck up a conversation with me.  Tanner and Cory - they’re from Arizona.  They have 4 kids and also have an RV - a large sized one.  They said they don’t have any plans while they’re here - just going with the flow.  They asked about me and what I do.  I paused to think about it because the transition I’ve been in makes the answer either a really long explanation full of insecurity or a really short one with room for unknowns.  I gave them the short one.  I just said I’ve been on the road since July in this new van because a tree landed on my old one.  Told them I used to sell bracelets online but am not sure if I will be continuing.  

Maybe that’s another reason I’ve been avoiding chatting with strangers the way I used to.  It’s not easy when you’re transitioning out of an old self into a new self.  The questions from strangers can leave you feeling like a deer in the headlights - stuck between your old self and some bright light that you’re moving toward but don’t quite know what it is.  All you can do is freeze as you stare into it not knowing how to answer.  But I didn’t feel like that today when the questions came.  I just answered what I knew to be true, which didn’t lead to much of an answer.  I didn’t freeze up or try to divert eye contact to make them leave me alone.  I felt completely free to be me exactly where I am right now.  I felt free to not know what I’m doing.  I felt free.

Finished Between Two Kingdoms by Suleika Jaouad today.  As emotionally painful as it was to ride along through her battle with cancer, sticking with it rewarded me with some of the wisdom that she brought back with her out of the fire without having to go through the suffering she endured.  An amazing read but not for the faint of heart.