Feeling Free is Home to Me

I did it.  I committed to getting off of social media and posted my final post today.  Already I feel more in control of my own self worth.  Just like that, like turning off a switch, the anxiety and frustration from the constant static chaos is gone.  Off.  All my thoughts and feelings belong to me and are not measurable in likes and hearts and views.  All the noise inside my brain is mine and not what is constantly being fed into it, and frankly, now that I can just focus on my own thoughts, it’s not that noisy.  It’s really pretty peaceful.  

Even the passing of Malcolm is easier to process than feeling like I have an audience through it all that will never be able to understand.  And the crazy thing is, they don’t even think about me or him throughout the day as much as I worry what they’re thinking of me.  They’re concerned with their own lives.  But social media has a way of leading me to think that I matter more than I actually do to people.  Turning it off feels like taking my brain back from some human experiment laboratory and setting it free.  

Today, I felt giddy walking the streets of Astoria. Not only because I felt completely in control of my own brain again, but also because Astoria always reminds me of how small I am.  And I like feeling small and feeling like I don’t matter to anyone or anything - it’s a very freeing feeling - the ability to disappear.  I felt so free I ate an ice cream custard.  

Today I live in Astoria.  Astoria is home.  And home is where I feel most free.  Feeling free is home to me.