Boundaries

Once you figure out where the pain comes from, it’s like taking the blind fold off and seeing the world for the first time.  Pain isn’t just a mysterious feeling coming from inside…it starts from the outside, and you don’t have to invite it in.  Once it’s recognizable, you can see all the obstacles and figure out where to draw the line and how to stay on the path.  You can “let it go” because it’s no longer coming from inside.  You can embrace the dark parts of you because it leads you to the light.  Decisions are easier to make and the voice in your head isn’t split in half taking you in two opposite directions.  You are whole again.  You deserve to be loved even when your heart is broken.  You are worthy.  You deserve happiness.  You don’t have to prove yourself or be anything more than what you are.  You are enough just as you are.  You can be as free as the chipmunks, deer, and coyotes - free to simply eat, sleep, feel, and enjoy the earth.  You can even scream and howl at it.  Being alive is the only purpose to fulfill just as nature built you.  Free to just be.  

Though I’m definitely not where I plan on staying, I do believe I’m where I’m supposed to be.  After uncovering the source of my pain, paying attention to each layer, so many things are starting to come together and make sense.  It’s like the world isn’t jello anymore, it’s made of solid obstacles and substantial joys which makes making decisions and feeling grounded so much easier and that much more possible.  It all comes down to boundaries, not needing validation from the wrong people, but instead, accepting myself fully and not just when things are going well, being brave enough to feel the full range of emotions and not reaching for a quick fix to drown part of me out - whether that be a chemical fix, work, love, pretending everything is okay, or any other distraction when the pain starts seeping in and begging to be comforted.  I know now what I’ve been running from.  No more.  The pain can stay, but the conductor of it can not.  And with that, it is now my responsibility to not repeat the mistakes that have been past on to me, not put myself in the position to be treated as less than I deserve - now that I am aware, it will be the fault of mine and no one else’s.  I will no longer be a victim.  I am fully in control of my actions from here on out.  In building my own boundaries, I have found freedom.