A Temporary World
Staying in one place for a while with people around has allowed me to build a makeshift community. I ran into Tanner a couple times today which was fun to know someone in the crowd. We exchanged a few friendly words in passing. It also feels good knowing I can hop in and say hello to Lynda and Lisa at the Pho restaurant - knowing somebody in this town knows my name brings a feeling of belonging. Knowing people in a temporary town is what makes the temporary town stay with you when you leave.
I’ve met many people at Alki through the years - the ones I will never forget though, and who introduced me to this spot was The Van with No Plan - two brothers that lived out of a van together - but since, have acquired their own vehicles and travel separately. I cannot come to Alki Beach without thinking of them and the impact they’ve had on my life.
Despite just beginning to feel settled in, I’m beginning to get antsy to leave. The constant speeding by of drivers revving their engines and enduring the sounds from every living and non-living thing is enough to make your brain go numb and dumb. I probably would’ve left by now if it wasn’t 90 plus degrees in the direction I need to head and if gas wasn’t over $6 a gallon. I suppose it’s done me some good to be stuck in a city, though. It’s forced me to talk to people - which I know I need more than I want.
I’m beginning to remember why and how I used to love people - all people. How much I loved talking to anybody and everybody. How much people fascinated me - with all their imperfections - seeing their flaws as what made them interesting and exciting.
Maybe that’s why these past few years hit me so hard. It became impossible to accept all the flaws without becoming an enemy to humanity. Accepting all peoples’ flaws meant accepting racism, lying, abuse, murder, oppression, rape, white supremacy - everything I’d been running from but didn’t realize. I was in love with the whole world and then I saw it in its entirety for the first time, and then the whole world broke my heart. I went from loving people in their entirety to hating everybody including myself.
But now that I see the world in better focus, maybe I’ll be able to navigate it better, make my way to a better world - a world I don’t have to run from - a world that isn’t temporary - a world that won’t break my heart.
