A Simple Life
After turning off Instagram, life has been simple. I’ve been talking on the phone a lot more to a couple of close friends and have made an effort to talk to some people face to face. I even met up with a woman who used to share her yard with Malcolm and me - we had a couple glasses of wine and chatted about life. I still have moments of despair and heartache thinking about Malcolm, but I cry it out, look at photos on my phone of him, and then call a friend, who I am learning to call on instead of my old support systems.
I also replaced the fridge which has made the van feel like a home again - allowing me to cook and eat my own food, which is one of the most crucial parts of making a home a home. Living alone, especially after losing Malcolm, being able to call on my friend Quist or Azzah - the best support I’ve ever had - has also filled that void of not having a family to lean on when things get hard. And it’s not even that they fill the void, it’s more that they understand and validate my feelings or whatever I’m going through which makes it possible to fill the void on my own. Feeling supported versus dependent leaves me empowered and makes my home feel that much more stable and safe. Practicing going to someone healthy versus someone unhealthy makes a world of difference. It makes a different world.
Met Azzah on the road while passing through Portland back in April of 2013. She is one of the most beautiful souls I’ve ever encountered through all my years traveling. She passes on the wisdom of her father and the love and resilience of her loving family - she lives and leads by example in a way that I feel safe to trust.
Met Quist through Instagram during the uproar of 2020. Having had such similar experiences and ways of coping, we met in Texas last December. Never have I had someone understand the experience of being adopted as much as her and be able to see the things I’ve been seeing all alone my whole life. Having a friend like her is like confirming that the invisible pieces of yourself exist.